This is for you. You know who you are

Why did you have to make this so difficult?I thought I was done with you? Why are you still getting to me like this? Why couldn't I tell you to stop touching me? Why did I let you hold me like that? Why did I begin to hope you were back? Why couldn't you just stay away? Why couldn't you let me hate you? Why couldn't you let me continue with my illusion of hate. It made it so much easier to get up. So much easier to laugh and move on. Why did you have to salt the wound with your presence? Right as I thought I was fine you came back cut the scars open,deeper than the first. Is it impossible for me to just forget you... or at least forgive? Maybe if I could it wouldn't be so hard. Maybe I could draw again. Maybe I could write again? Why did you have to come to me? Why did I fall  for you? Why did you ever speak to me? Why did you say 'I love you' when you don't? Why, even when you knew how much it'd hurt me when you left, you still left. Why was I suddenly not worth it any more after 4 months of the same thing? Why dop I continue to tie strings to fools who fall to thier knees for a look when I know some where that I'll only feel worse. That maybe that's why you left. When I know that no matter how angry or hurt I am, those idiots aren't you. Why can't you just leave for good. Why couldn't we be friends? Why after you said you were back.... you still disappionted me? Why do I still hope that the message is from you.  God, you could make it so much easier with just a few clicks. I'd have my proof. What's stopping you? Or is it who? ..dumb question. We both know who, don't we? Who would have thought you'd be tied up in a game of puppet. lol, that's something I thought I'd never see. I didn't want to either. Pity. I should hate you.... why can't i? It'd be so much easier. You were right when you said that you knew I wanted to hate you. I did. I wanted to. Maybe I still do. It would be so much easier. Why can't you just leave me alone. You obviously aren't the same. Was I foolish to think you could ever be the same person I fell so hard for.

So if I have so many problems with you, why can't I let you go? Spirit knows I try...

MOM HAD A MISCARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!????? WTF!!!??

I was at dinner with mom and we started talking about China's one-child policy. Eventually obortion, adoption, and miscarriages came up. She told me that when she first found out that she was pregnant with me that both sides of my family wanted her to have an obortion or put me up for adoption. I knew that. Well, what I didn't know was that while she had obviously changed her mind, my aunts had talked to her. One of them had already had a miscarriage (my mom's the youngest out of 5 girls) and the others were doomed to the same. I don't know about Aunt Peggy and Patty, but I know that Aunt Pam had three miscarriages before Tyler and Aunt Paula's first baby, a boy, died at a young age from disease. I didn't know that when I was about 5 months old, Mom got pregnant again. Before Jessica. I could have had another little sister or brother. I never even knew about it...

Any way, Ron and mom and broke up again and this is when she started to think he was cheating. Surprise, surprise... Daddy was cheating on Mommy since day one. Congratulations jerk you've sunk lower on my scale...ur in the negatives...

The next time Mom went to have a check up they told her that the baby didn't have a heart beat. That baby didn't make it because she got pregnant too soon after Mom had me...

I don't see how this never came up. So if almost all of my aunts, my grandmother on my dad's side, and now my mom all had miscarriages.. does that mean that I'm going to have more of a chance of losing my baby if I get pregnant?

I miss how things were before...

My friends and I are no longer the same people we were in Seventh. We changed too much, we grew too far apart. It hurts looking back and seeing how far we drifted. Kagome, our most talented artist, developed a slutty and unfeeling tendency; Our warm Kieko drifted deeper into depression; Marlene, our strongest fighter, found herself less protective; Aqua, our advisor and my closest friend, her words were choked and called criticism; Kagura, me, believe it or not, was open and extremely energetic, the most innocent, closed off most people and became cold.

We all became so close in so little time. You wouldn't be able to see us without eachother. We brought in new friends to our 'circle'. We were all protective and wouldn't allow any one of us take on something alone. We were like sisters. We could all tell what they other was thinking and know what they were going to do with only the look in her eyes.

But then as we got older, we started to drift. Kagome switched schools, came back, switched again, and again came back. The she just didn't come back after another move. I switched schools and closed myself off from every potential new friend. They weren't part of my 'circle' I didn't want them I wanted my frineds; my sisters. Then only Alyssa, Nicole, and Mercedes (Aqua, Marlene, Kieko) were left. Kieko and Marlene were always a close pair, like me and Alyssa. I'm not sure what happened but when They felt like Alyssa was criticizing them it broke a huge rift between all of us. We would go months withiout talking. At my new school, I was always wearing a bell around my neck (Something we used to signify our friendship, so even if we weren't there, it was like we weren't alone.) I kept trying to get back to my old school, although now I see how stupid I was...

Things have stayed like this. We just don't have that connection with each other anymore. It's faded and dulled. We havbe different experiences now. I like to think we're all stronger now. But when I finally came back everyone was surprised that instead of an immeadiate warmth that should have been I had developed a distance between those who I once shared everything with. Surprised to find that I didn't have the same energy, that instead of waking up with a smile I was waking up and goinmg back to sleep. They were surprised, and thewn I was surprised. This was the first time I had seen them since Febuary, and I thought that they would sense that I was still suffering from some sorrow that happened over the summer. They didn't seem to notice, so I ignored it and was EXTREMELY taken aback when new friends saw that... and some one I have come to love asked what happened...

I miss it, but I guess there's nothing I can do now. Those times are memories..nothing more now. I still love them as much as I did then, but I can't hold on to something that isn't the same. 

I feel like crap

 I'm sick..... If I ever find out who gave me this I'm going to hurt him/her because I seriously doubt I'm going to be able to go to school Monday. And I NEED to be there. I don't like having to miss school.

My entire body hurts and now I feel guilty because I just realized that I fell asleep at the table.....on my little brothers birthday, and to top it off I left before the song was even going to go to sleep. >.< I'll make it up to him when I'm feeling better..... I think I'll take him to Hot Topic or something ( yeah, I got my 9 yr old brother hooked on rock and metal...oops?)

My throat burns, my fever won't go down, and I'm taking all this medicine that mom's thowing at me that inevitably knock me off my feet. Sad thing is, I don't want to sleep. I always wake up screaming, crying or wanting to find Ron, rip his throat out and feed it to his own dogs! Or a combination of all of these.

Well, I feel better. ^_^ I'm gunna go lay down before Mom finds some more norse pills to force down my throat...

Hello! I got bored and I needed to post so I did!! You'll have to excuse my hyperness...this is being posted at night and if you know me you know my delusional reasoning behind it.....

As most of you know I went to visit my Dad last weekend. All considering everything went fine. But the best thing is I got to see Mary again!!!!!!! ^_^ We were together basically the entire time I was there. We went to the mall and acted like idiots.

mwahaha see what did i tell ya? lol we're dorks but we're dorks together!!!

and look it's Mary and me being wierd, once again. For some reason we were taking pictures like crazy.

okay last one! you'll have to turn you're head to the side (sorry bout that) but yea, we have this pic together, with our hair pinned up (yes, I had my hair pinned up and the world didn't come crashing down...much to my dismay...)

See, now that wasn't so bad was it? Well, I'm done so bi for now!